More Insane Job Ads.

Whenever I want to feel even more despondent than I normally do about my prospects for earning money as a writer, I take myself over to the Gigs/Writing section of Craigslist.

Since it's the gigs section, 90 percent of the entries seem somehow shady and/or undesirable. Since it's the writing section, the pay is nearly always abysmal, if it exists at all. Since it's San Francisco, a good number of the ads have been written by complete loons.

Come browse with me.
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1. I don't want to spend too long contemplating what kind of marketing scheme this is attached to, but it may involve sex for money. Can you imagine receiving a handwritten letter that someone was paid a meager 60 cents to write you?

I am looking for someone who would like to take 2 to 3 hours out of their day to write 100 hand written letters. I am paying $60 = .60 cents per letter. I would prefer legible male handwriting. Reoccurring job based on performance and response.

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2. Please note the last paragraph of this ad. It is for the Jack Bauer of freelance writers.

What is needed: 6- 8 hours of personal interview/documentation in Santa Cruz, CA, (hours to be arranged), followed by completion of written assignment within 2 days thereafter. Interview must be scheduled before May 29th.

Who is needed: I am a seeking the services of an exceptionally talented and inspired individual with particular skill proficiency in the following areas:
in-depth personal interviewing
investigative reporting
exploration and discovery
extracting and summarizing critical information
expressing with sharp clarity
engaging and sustaining interest of reader
creating continuity in presenting
facts and experiences;
documenting, sequencing events,
circumstances, consequences;
expressing human feelings and emotions
with authenticity, transparency
(pain, futility, effects of trauma)
eliciting compassion of the reader.

Please inquire in response to this posting ONLY if you feel confident in your competence to meet these criteria, as a human life is hangs in the balance. Please attach writing samples or include link to page where samples may be viewed.
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3. I actually kind of like this ad. The headline on it was "speech writer with bullshit and passion (5 minute speech)"

Thursday I need to stand in front of ten serious board members and convince them to not fire me. I have a good story to tell, I just need help putting it together. I need help. I cant pay much, but I can pay some and trade stuff too.
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4. What I like about this ad is that the writer rails against "shyism" and yet her publication is named Ban Shyness.

My name is Liz and I am shy, I admit it. It has always been a problem for me, a weakness I have been working my whole life to overcome. In society there is definite shyism in the United States. Shyism is discrimination against people who aren't as confident in social situations.

This is what I'm attempting to combat with banShyness. My hope at through the creation of banShyness, there could be a place where cpeople can share their stories, their advice and provide support and young people and adults can find hope.

What I am asking from you now is to give me a little start. If anyone has any stories or anecdotes that they would be willing to share with me so I can start with some solid support.
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5. I don't even know what this means.

Conscious Dancer is a new magazine dedicated to dance and higher consciousness. We are preparing mock-ups of our first issues and want stories to fill out our design. Want this piece by June 1.

One thing I'm looking for is 800-1200 words on fire dancing, and the spiritual states it creates.

Byline in the mock ups and first issue. Exposure to sophisticated audience. Possibility for regular placement or payment down the road.